Where you father dating after mothers death apologise
Posted in Dating
Remember how much you cared whether your parents liked your high school boyfriend or girlfriend? That is exactly how much your widowed parent and his or her significant other care whether or not you approve of their relationship-not at all. This can be a difficult truth when you've lost one parent , and feel your surviving parent pulling away from the family into a new relationship, but remind yourself that we each deserve to seek our own happiness. Parents of young children exist in the child's mind only to fulfill the child's wants and whims, and it is an important and crucial step as an adult to recognize your parent as a fellow adult with his or her own joys and sorrows, needs and wants. Your parent may go through drastic changes throughout the dating process. Remember that your parent is trying to rediscover who he or she is. Your dad has been defined throughout your whole life through marriage to your mother, as father to you.
I never thought I would ever say this in my lifetime, but my mom has a new boyfriend. My mom has a boyfriend. My parents were married for 43 years.
They loved each other very much. Their relationship was stable, and it set an amazing, aspirational example for my brother and sister and me.
Then my dad died last summer, and my concept of what I thought life was like changed completely. I have written about my grief publicly and often, sometimes on this very website.
But this is about moving on, something that is a very different process for everyone. I guess my mom is, too. So she met someone new. A man who is very much not my father, something I both know and have been told many times in recent months. People have this pervasive need to tell you that. I know that. Joking, sometimes without regard for taste or tact, has been an important part of how I cope.
The concept of my mom dating or another man being around never sounded so bad in vague terms, ones that I never thought would actualize. Then it became a real thing. Some months ago, I was giving my mother advice on how to turn someone down. That felt fine, if a little bit surreal; it was amusing and sweet, even.
She missed my dad so much, and it felt like a fun distraction. Eventuallythough, like in five years-or, better yet, a decade from now. Never mind trying to figure someone else into your Big Life Plan-especially when that person is your smart, strong-willed, and beautiful mother.
She created you. The same goes for fathers, of course. I understood these things about my mother and, in theory, supported all the hypotheticals that followed. But there is a difference between understanding something in theory, and handling it in reality. A big difference. When my mother told me, delicately and respectfully, that she was seeing someone, I surprised myself when I lost connection to mission control completely. I flipped. If my life were the movie Gravity, I would be George Clooney, a corpse farting off in space somewhere near the Hubble Telescope.
Losing it is part of the process, by the way. Losing it is okay.
I feel fine now, for the most part. In January, my mom told me she was spending time with someone. The way she broke the news to me shocking, although I put two and two together before she actually told me.
My take on it is this: Get on with it if it will make you happy. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something.
I see it like this.
If I become estranged when she move on, it will be easier to deal with the death of that parent as we have already parted in the living years. He was very sick for a long time before he died with cancer. Good luck and goodbye Mother Dear! The obligation I had to keep her entertained and out and about which was every weekend without fail although I have my own family is now over!
I choose to see it in a positive light. All I can say is I am so glad that I came across this website. I lost my mother almost a year ago Feb.
I was completely taken aback mostly because my mom told him repeatedly how she felt if he were to do such a thing. At the time I told him I thought it was too soon, but he kept going on about time and would it make a difference if it were a year or two.
I feel that he is not in the right frame of mind right now to even be thinking about a relationship. We not only lost my mom this year, but we lost my grandma his mothermy brother in law, and my aunt his sister.
Not to mention a cancer scare for him and other illnesses that have had him hospitalized. I feel that he needs to take time and adjust to his new life before he brings someone else into it. I had a big talk with him over the holidays and told him how I felt. I live in a different city than my dad, so I think it hit home for him when he could see how physically upset I was. From what he tells me she has helped him through a difficult time and how can I be happy knowing that he is not.
As someone stated below, I too feel as if it is never going to get better. My mother died in Aug. He said just for companionship and a friend. Then I just found out after only 4 weeks of dating he went and bought a new queen bed for her so she could sleep comforable with my dad. I just met her last night in the hospital as he is waiting to see what is wrong with his heart. In front of me he found it necessary to call her angel, and feels he should talk mushie to her when I am around.
My stomach was sick the whole hour I was there and when I left I cried for a long time.
Jun 11, A reader writes: My mother passed away last May and Dad started dating again three months after mom's death. He is now serious with a lady he met online. On the one hand, I am happy that he is happy again, as he was married to my mom for 45 years and it was a shock to everyone when she died five months after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Oct 07, Home After Mom's Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad's Girlfriend Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. My father started dating a woman this summer. Oct 27, Given that males like your dad are relatively rare (women usually outlive men), after your mother's death, he has clearly enjoyed a large and friendly available female dating pool. People handle.
I love my dad but this is not fitting well with me, as he never once called my Mom angel or anything like that. They were married for 52 years. How do I cope with this?
Perhaps the longer the marriage, the greater their need to have another companion - someone to soothe their hurt. It appears to me that your dad has been extremely lonely since your mom passed and he feels this woman has given him life again. It also seems that he loves, respects, and wants your approval in the biggest way. He wants you to see what happiness this woman has brought him and he feels if you witness this, you will share in his happiness.
This has got to be very tough for you. When he is back to health, you should share your feelings with him and let him know how you feel - nothing may change but at least you can open the lines of communication with him and perhaps he can share some of his deepest hurts and feelings with you at the loss of his wife and your mother.
And perhaps he will be aware of his insensitivity to you in addressing this lady by calling her Angel, etc. One thing is for sure, just as our parents could never select our friends or mates in life - we neither can select theirs. He may try to replace your mother in his life with anotherbut after that many years of marriage, he will never be able to.
He may be able to fulfill some of the emptiness he has felt and may feel he at least has a purpose to continue his life. In time, you will learn to work around it and not let it absorb you and suck you up. I really feel your pain. I lost my mother in July after a very long illness. My father started seeing a woman shortly after Thanksgiving. Not only was he seeing this woman, but he was lying about it until I found out in the worst possible way on Christmas Eve.
Now, he is practically living with her. My parents were together for 40 years. I was close to both of my parents.
The Death of a Parent Affects Even Grown Children Psychologically and Physically
My father died unexpectedly the day after Christmas He was married to my mom for 52 years. My mom will not let us help her with anything, but rather wants to call all the male friends my dad had to help her. It seems more like she is having a party instead of respecting my fathers memory. We loved my father very very much. Since my father was near death almost 3 years ago, I feel my mother was and is jealous of the attention we gave my father.
I do love my mother and it hurts me and my sister when she says she would rather have dads buddies or the neightbors come to help her instead of having us over. It is so good to know that I am not the only daughter dealing with these feelings. My Mom died December 7, after a 4 year fight with bone cancer. My parents had been married 50 yrs. One week after my mother passed a women that was a member at the same club as my parents contacted my dad to send her condolences, saying she had just found out about my mom.
She also tried to tell me that her and my mom were friends yet I know my mom did not care for her, and if thats a friend who needs enemies. Two days later she arrived with baked goods for my dad. When I tried to worn him about her, he said she was just a friend. She calls him 3 -4 times a day wanting to know what he is doing or where he was. She has tried to talk to me on the phone, but I have nothing to say to her because I do not like what she has done.
I feel she is trying to push a wedge between my father and his family. I have found out that because of her, old friends of my parents who also know this women will not talk to my father because they have never like her. When I tried to talk with him 4 weeks after my mom passed, he informed me that he is 73 yrs.
I also go everynight after work and cook dinner. She calls telling my dad all about her medical problems which is breast cancer after my mother battled bone cancer. I feel this women is just looking to have someone take care of her and support her, and that she is hoping to move into my parents house.
The only peace I have is that she will have to answer to God and probably my mother in the end. Hi Lisa, I am in a very similiar situation. After speaking with a few family members, I found out that my mom did not like this cousin. She was after my father for 40 years!
I could really use some good advice on how to deal with all this. Hi I thought you guys might want to hear from someone who happens to be the mans girlfriend.
I have been dating a man who lost his wife to cancer and let me tell you I feel like I have committed a major crime for dating this man so soon after his wife died.
All we want is to be happy and I definately do not want to replace the much older kids mom. I have no desire to be alone and lonely in my older years and neither does he. I know it is now, and I too have lost my mother and have a 76 year old father who was comforted by a lady 10 years older than I and 10 younger than he, but no one can really understand the pain that comes in seeing your father with another woman after 55 years of marriage.
Does that seem like the kind of relationship that would make anyone feel good about stepping in the picture? Would I ever want to come between a father and daughter for the sake of my own needs or excuses that I make this man happy? The answers are NO. I could never come into a situation with the full support of the grown kids. I could never look myself in the mirror and feel good about it as a woman, a mother or person.
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To me that is the ultimate low in character. I have basically lost my mother, father and sister who is too afraid to stand up to dad and have no parents. What does this new lady have? That is what mom wanted and he has failed miserably in the 6 months since her death. I guess I thought dad would finally take some time to get to know me, the grandkids and spend time doing things he did not do all the time we grew up. He always worked or had something to do.
In any case, my point here is that people are going to tell you things you don't want to hear, and eventually (though maybe after some resistance), you'll go ahead and realize them on your own. The concept of my mom dating or another man being around never sounded so bad in vague terms, ones that I never thought would actualize. Dec 08, Tips for When Your Widowed Parent Begins to Date. Your parent may begin dating again just when you feel things have fallen into a new normal for your family after the death of your other parent. Though it can throw their children for a loop, it's a good sign that parents feel healed enough to date again. and after many years his father Author: Gloria Horsley. The death of a parent is among the most emotionally difficult and universal of human experiences. If a person doesn't know what it's like suffer the loss of a father or the loss of a mother, they most likely will one day. The passing of a parent is inevitable, but that certainty doesn't make Author: Joshua A. Krisch.
I never got to really have my father to myself growing up and even more now. So Girlfriend, I guess no one can have any sympathy for you or take your message and somehow change the way we really feel because you need to have a companion in your old age.
Shame on you to the end of time. Shame on you. This is all about you not wanting to be alone, because he did not have enough time to understand his grief nor did any of the other family members.
When two people are together for along period of time and one passes the other is not use to being alone. I personally feel that people should have enough respect for others to let the family grieve without bringing a new situtation into the mix.
What people in your situtation need to realize it is not all about you, there are children, grandchildren, in-laws. Yes, he is lonely and yes, you are lonely and yes, you both deserve not to be lonely. She was an exceptional cook, kept a spotless house, and was his best friend.
Again, the problem is that it happened too soon - no time for him to grieve properly or me. If your dating this man is just that - going to dinner, catching a movie, and someone to confide in.
This website is great. My parents were married for 26 years. My momma lost a long battle with lung cancer, and her death hit me the hardest in the family. Her and I were so close. I pretty much had a break down. I attemped suicide several times, and quit caring anout myself. She just seems like she tries too hard. Who are all about my age. This kills me. He tells me not to bring my mom up in front of her. And this is so offensive. He should worry about his own 20 year old daughter, not her kids.
I feel horrible about the situation. I guess I just need to keep asking God for his help. WowI really feel your pain. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone.
Maybe you could try to get to know her and her children. We each have our own stories deep inside our hearts. Concentrate on trying to get to know them and let them see you as the person you are. Try to be upbeat when you are around them. Sometimes it is very hard to be upbeat when you feel such dispair but give it your best shot. You and your dad need to talk - ask him to tell you how he is feeling too since he lost your mom.
Try not to show anger toward your dad but approach him with kindness. Always remember, what you give out is what you get back! I would like for someone to tell me when its ok to date after a spouse dealth. When a spouse leave this earth what is the widow or widower is suppose to do with the remaining of their life. Are they just suppose to just live their life around their kids and other relatives without a mate. While their kids and other relatives have mates and continue on with their lifes.
Can so one please explain this to me. I understand that the lose of a mother or father is painful. I lost my father. However I was not angry with my mother whenshe start dating. However that does not mean the living spouse is to stop their life. You have to remeber they are human. Everyone needs some type of companionship.
So why are people so angry when your mother or father wants to continue their life. Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories and opinions.
It really helps me try and understand my situation. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased. My father passed away in the spring of after being married to my mom for 40 years. Now, almost 4 months later they are still together. My sisters and I are not comfortable with this because it has become quite serious and it has also changed her personality.
We have tried talking to her about it and voiced our concerns. She said that she values our opinions but beyond that nothing much was done. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her.
I truly want her to be happy and have tried step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective but I am having great difficulty. They should talk with them and truly take their feelings into account. I guess I have it wrong Anna, I thought its was about what made my mom happy. Because she is human. Which my mom and her friend did say he was not there trying to replace my dad. I lost my mother to cancer in November, my father enrolled in one of thoes dating web sites in December.
Its April now and my dad has a new girlfriend he wants me to meetwow. I put him off saying how about a rain check. I mean moms been gone for 5 months now and I have to meet the new misses? I think he got mad at me for not jumping at the chance to meet her. Ive never really been close with my father and this seems to be driving more of a wedge between us. Its like its no longer convient for him to do that.
You are correct your dad should not force his new girlfriend on you at this time it is to early. Just tell your dad you are not ready for that right now and you understand his needs. Also if his new girlfriend is a true freind she would understand also. My mom just passed away 1 month ago this Aprilat the age of She struggled with cancer for over 2 years.
I held her hand while she took her last few breaths. It was truly the hardest thing I ever had to do. The way her throat was moving up and down struggling for air. Watching her stop breathing for 10 seconds and all of us thinking she was gone and all of a tsudden take a breath. I dream about and think about it constantly and it was very traumatizing to me.
To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. I talked to him last night and he lets me know that he is already seeing someone.
All he talked about was this womans body and how she works out everyday and she is model material. He talked about how she was the kind of person that back in the day he would normally rip her clothes off. I never heard my Dad talk about my mother that way not the nasty remarks but simply talk about her beauty.
And moving so far away. I understand him wanting to sell the house because mom died in itbut to move so far away! It feels like he is abandoning us! We kids need him. We just lost our momnow we feel like we are losing him too! I feel like he is being selfish. I think that he is more worried about himself than us kids.
Which I know that we are old enough to take care of ourselves but I feel that we need to be together right now. Its like mom was the glue that held the family together and now that shes gone. And how dare him talk to me like this about the other woman. Like I really want to hear that crap!!!!!!!
Someone help me with this. People deserve to be happy but that does not mean they should forget their children. My dad does not spend Christmas or Christmas Eve with his family.
Eight months after my mother died my dad gave a woman a diamond. And they got married one year after my mother passed away. My parents were married 60 years. I am so glad to have found this website. My dad died of cancer lung and colon November He was diagnosed last year March and just quickly got worse even started losing his memory walking around the house tearing curtains down we even had to hide his car keys he wanted to go to work.
He was a workaholic. He pretty much worked up until he died. My dad dedicated his life to taking care of our family. We were not rich but we did not want for much.
For much of my mothers life she did not have to work just take care of the family. This is why is pains me to see my mother move on so soon 5 months later. I have a right to my opinion. Another website I just left everyone was telling me to grow up, stop being selfish and thats her personnel affair. The crazy part is they all had both parents in their lives.
Thats why i was so surprised and relieved to find people to talk to that can actually relate. Did she ever stop to consider my feelings as well. I take peoples feelings into consideration in any situation a lot of times before my own.
Im a good mother a little over protective but i mean well and they know it and love me regardless. I just want to thank everyone for their postings.
need advice - hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died Track Thread; Email Friend; need advice - hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died. by silverotter on Wed Nov 05, PM I wonder how fair it is to that woman, as it seems doubtful your father even had time to fully grieve. Oct 27, The feelings you're having toward your dad in the aftermath of your mother's death are understandable. When one parent dies and the remaining parent begins dating or marries someone else, it can be very hard for the adult child to accept, no matter how soon after the death it occurs. Her father is now dating, and she's uncomfortable with that. Too soon for Dad to date after Mom's sudden, surprising death? although I do try to change the subject after I say.
It really helps alot. In March, a recent widow called my dad and made contact. We had to ask my dad if he could fit us into his schedule because they are soooo busy doing stuff. She is making herself at home. They only spend week-ends together and during the week they are at their respective homes but she is now entitled to his pension.
She is needy and always in our face. Maybe they suit each other if they are that mixed up! Today, they went shopping for a bed. Save me the details. What to do? My mom passed in Jan. A recent widow called my dad in March. Is it possible these people are sometimes looking for financial gain? Loves his convertible and said to my sister that she wanted to take it to go see her daughter Ahh, can you imagine.
My mother passed away about 3 years ago. A little less then a year after my mother passed away my father went on a buiness trip and found himself a girl freind.
My mother died from Leukemia ina year later I was shocked to find out my father was dating so soon. The woman who he choose to date knew the family and was not liked by mother. This felt like my father was purposely hurting my mother and myself along with my brother. This lead to many confrontations between the woman, my father, and myself.
Many hurtful things were said between my father and myself where we stopped talking and strained our relationship. When my father finally broke up with this woman, we begun to work on talking again slowly.
He then began dating another woman, who I am not completely comfortable with but have learned after experiencing the loss of my spouse inthat what my father said about loving my mother no matter what and that even though he choose to date again he would love my mother no matter what and would do anything to be with her again.
When I first heard this from my father I thought there is no way you love her or even did if you are replacing her. Now that I find myself in a situation where my husband passed away suddenly in his sleep leaving me to take care of our 2 yr.
I have gone through the grief process from both sides. I miss my husband with all of my heart and would do anything to have our life back and the way it used to be. I will love him forever and no one will take his place. He was the best father and husband I could ask for. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. That is why I am able to see what my father meant by I can be dating someone and still love your mom and miss her.
Because I find myself in the same situation. I am now dating a wonderful man and find myself missing my husband. I can love my life I had and respect that I need companionship and passion in my new life. I miss my husband everyday and would love for my son to be able to grow up with his father, but I know my husband would want for my son to grow up with a happy mother. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. Wow Andrea. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters!
It was really rough, my mother actually talked to me about it days before her death-telling me to not be angry because dad was involved with this woman, that he would need someone when she was gone and that it was okay. In my case it turned out not so okay. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. I wish you great success in love, motherhood, and life.
Thank you. Death is a hard and complicated thing. I feel that I am always comparing the difference in my grieving from these two very significant loses in my life.
Father dating after mothers death
From this I feel like I have been able to step back and gain some insight, and this insight has brought me some healing and clarity. I am so sorry for your losses and the situation you have came upon.
I wish you the best. It is almost like two deaths in one. My mom died in Decemberalmost a year ago. My dad began dating a woman about 5 or 6 months later. I was appalled and shocked when he told me. He cried and acted all upset when he told me, asking for my understanding. I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. He is with the woman constantly. He leaves work and goes straight to her house and is there until bedtime.
I can never reach him on the phone in the evenings we live in two different towns. Anyway, I tried really hard, invited him, of course. He left immediately after we ate. It was like he was here to fulfill some sort of obligation or something. Then he started calling her on the cellphone. He left immediatly after we ate. I agreed to meet this woman one time just for him. Besides, honestly, I wanted to see what she looked like.
Shallow of me I know. She was so quiet and boring, nothing like my mom at all. My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. I am sure this woman was nervous, and really, she was nice enough. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. I really have no bad feelings for her, I am just hurt and mad at my dad for putting my family and me through this. My daughter is a teenager, just learning about boys and relationships and THIS is the example she gets?
Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. I am sick to death of reading on all these grief websites that life goes on, no one is expected to spend their life alone, blah, blah, blah.
I mean really? Read a book, watch a movie, a ballgame, get online, visit a friend or family member. It is more about the widower than it is about whatever woman they happen to be dating.
So that is the short version of my story. Does he not realize how incredibly hurtful this is to me? So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother. There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness I feel deep in the very pit of my being.
How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother. Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it?
I am sickened. Even if he broke up with this poor lady today, it will never take away the harm that it has already caused. So I guess that is the short version of my story.
There is so much more, but no need to bore anyone with the details. Just more pain, more hurt, more sadnessI only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. The ironic thing about this is, if heaven forbid, the lady he is dating now were to pass away, how long does SHE think it would be before he were dating a new one?
It really does feel like you lose your father once he starts dating again.
I was angry for a long time and this strained my relationship with my dad. There are still times I am so angry at him for choosing his girlfriend, over his family. But for right now I am ok with at least being able to see my father periodically and trying. I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides. It took a long time for me to be able to do this, and I am not perfect at this. Because if he were to be gone tomarrow I would regret not trying. Not giving him a chance.
I am a 41 yr old widower, father of three kids, daughter 8 and twin 6 yr. I want to offer some perspective based on my experiences. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. Colon cancer is a terriblw way to die and I was with her every step of the way right up to the last moment of life.
The way they gravitate towards any woman friend or family memeber is deeply sad. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. I expect that whether or not my daughter is 8 or 10 or 15 or even 25, she would never be supportive of me dating, let alone falling in love and she clearly is not happy and has begu acting out a bit. I was a faithful husband and am a responsible, loving father, but I after burying a brother and a wife, I know that life is too precious to waste.
I am on-line trying to find information and guidance on how best to reconcile my love for my daughter, the need my boys have for a mother figure they absolutely love her by the wayand how to explore the possibilities of a life with this woman.
Who is a wonderful and caring person. Hope is a powerful thing and joy in the aftermath of pain can bring you back from the very depths of despair. I will continue to search for answers and hope that I find a way to help my family heal from this tragedy. Best of luck.
Hi Meg, I am in the same situation. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. I can see why I never ran into this 1st cousin. It made me sick. She would show him her new necklace or have him smell his perfume not on her wrist right in front of me. I wish I knew how to get passed this.
It eats away at me every single day. I hate the fact that someone like her came into our lives only to get what she was after for many years. I even find myself wishing bad things happen to her.
Has anyone been able to move on from the pain of their parents getting involved with someone else so soon? Meg, I know how you feel. My father started seeing another woman about 5 or 6 months after my mother passed away and the sad part is the lady has known my family for years and has been our church member for years.
My dad feels that since he lost his wife, it is all about his loss; he does not realize this his kids are hurting and while I know he is lonely, his behavior is unacceptable. He ignores his kids and grandkids for the most part and seems so involved in himself to take out true, quality time for us. I know it is and my mom passed 5 months ago, but your message was as if I wrote it. But in the end, it is up to the individual to decide if and when he is ready to love again, and it is not our place to make that determination for him.
You know your father better than I do, and you and I can only guess what he may be thinking and feeling about all of this. I really don't know if "fessing up to him" about your feelings would help in this situation, as his loyalties may lie with his new wife more than with any concern about how his daughter is feeling right now. I am touched by your statement that the one person who could tell the best "mom" stories won't even speak your mother's name, and I find that heartbreaking, too.
But to begin mending your broken heart, I urge you to look elsewhere for those precious mom stories. Find another family member, relative, close friend or neighbor who knew your mother well. Invite that person to share some memories of your mother with you. Write down your own precious memories, each time they occur to you. Gather photographs and place them in a special album. Join Pinterest and make a board with pins that remind you of your mother.
I also encourage you to get some help with all of this by talking to a therapist or professional grief counselorso that your own feelings about losing your mother and your current difficulties with your dad can be expressed, worked through and resolved.
Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice. I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself, and I hope you will follow through with it. Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.
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